Today greeted me with a new experience.

I was rushing to get ready Sunday morning; frantically figuring out what jacket/dress/shoe combination was going to get me through the day. When leaving my apartment in Queens, I most likely won’t be back from Manhattan for another 10 to 12 hours—and in spring that means NYC could have experienced 4 different types of weather. (Oh, you fickle season!)

After finding the magic outfit, I began blow-drying my hair, brushing it repeatedly to get the right poof, puff, and part. As I worked, I contemplated about maddening morning tasks: Think of the time wasted perfecting how much blush is on each cheek; which strand of hair should be pinned up?

I flipped my auburn locks over my head and continued the process.
Brush, dry, brush dry.

At one point I held the blow dryer against my brush, trying to dry the long pieces of hair near my eyes. Maybe I should have just curled my hair… How long had this taken… What time was it anyway? I moved the brush, hoping my bangs were dry.

And BAM.

5 inches of hair fell from my head.
Let me repeat…

I BURNED 5 INCHES OF HAIR OFF MY HEAD.

“NO!” I yelled at the hair dryer. “No, no, NO! How did you DO that!?” What smelled like tragically burned popcorn leaked from the bathroom into my apartment. Fused pieces of hair stuck to the brush and bathroom floor, while a stream of curse words clouded my brain. DAMNIT.

Looking in the mirror suddenly seemed like a horrifying endeavor. I stood slowly, with both eyes closed. First the right eye squinted open to assess the damage. When he was confident my left eye could handle such trauma, I opened both baby blues and began plucking at the fringed pieces with a grimace.

All these years blow-drying my hair and not once have I burned it off. Still confused, I gathered a clump from off the ground and held it up to my head. Could I glue it back on?

After deciding that was not practical (and probably more messy) my hands worked quickly to tuck, spray, and hide the new, eye-length DIY haircut.

This is why we should never shower, and instead, live like cave people.
Getting dolled up is just too much effort.
In fact, it’s downright dangerous.
Case closed.