1) Do not pee in the
subway car. In fact, it is best if you do not urinate anywhere in public.
But subway cars are particularly smothering, so this is particularly cruel.
2) Do not get into
domestic disputes in the subway car. This is awkward. And I’m not talking
about a little tiff. I’m simply asking you refrain from shouting, scratching,
or yanking hair. It makes for a stressful journey home.
3) Do not pop your
gum incessantly in the subway car.
Or ever.
4) Do not think we
want to hear your music in the subway car. Headphones were invented for a
reason. Please invest in some. Once you have bought said headphones, do try to
remember that when you sing loudly we can still hear you (even though, oddly enough, you can’t
hear yourself). And we don’t really like it.
5) Do not think too
much about the subway car. “I’m squished.” “That person is touching me.”
“Who was sitting here last?” “Why is the train not moving?” No, no, no. Do not
ponder such grievances when commuting. Your wondering thoughts will inevitably
become catalysts for a mental breakdown, or possibly lead to a cause of arrest.
Elaine from Seinfeld
experiences emotions any New Yorker on a crowed train understands.